Smart ladies love dumb tv, X Factor UK live show five

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This was a tough week for wonder duo/BFFs Lucy Spraggan and Rylan Clark. After Internet rumors swirled all week, it was announced on Saturday that Lucy was too sick to perform that night and would be going home. I don’t think she wanted to be in the competition–there was all kinds of gossip about her being upset by X Factor artists not making money from iTunes sales. Rylan Clark was in the bottom 2 Sunday night when he failed to impress the UK voting public another week. The vote sent to deadlock AGAIN, Kye was sent home for doing a song many British are sick of hearing at weddings (“You Get What You Give” by the New Radicals).

This week’s theme was “Number Ones” and the gang mainly sang songs by US artists, which disappointed me greatly.

Totes Emosh: Team Rylan

Everything about his segment and performance this week were genius.


When introducing Rylan, Nicole said, “The only way is Essex!” If you are unclear, that is a reference to this.


Nicole enters Rylan’s favorite salon.


She hugs this lovely lady who, with Rylan, helps her learn some Essex slang!


Rylan and Nicole discuss the song he’s going to sing.


He suggests she get “vajazzled.” She points to her crotch and suggests getting Rylan’s face vajazzled on it. I am sad we didn’t get pictures!


Rylan performs my favorite Madonna Italo Disco hit, “Hung Up.” Seriously I love to dance to this song. At the end he said “This one’s for you, Spraggan, I love you!” which I thought was totes adorbs.


Dermot hugs him because he’s so good!

Here is Rylan’s performance on X Factor, in all its glory.

Best surprise


Lucy from Two Shoes was in the audience to support Rylan. They are both from Essex and both have dance club sensabilities so I’m sure they know each other.

Favorite Union J member

Jaymi, the self-appointed “dad of the group.” I do not, however, approve of the stupid spelling of his name.


I also loved when he called them “normal boys.” Normal, super dreamy boys that can sing.

Second favorite Union J member


JJ, who used to be a jockey (!!) but quit at age 21.

Most uncomfortable hair decision

The space between Kye Sones’ quiff and his head. It was weird.

But look at how cute he and his brother are!

Is it cold in there?

Nice overcoat, Christopher Maloney.

Best tease for a future record

James Arthur’s rap in the middle of “Don’t Speak.” I keep worrying about how SyCo is going to ruin his career.

Worst Dressed

Ella Henderson, in an 80s prom ensemble. “Firework” is a song a never want to hear again in my life but I won’t be able to escape it on reality singing competition shows & on July 4th.

Cutest kids


District 3, many years ago. Katie and I probably knew each other for ten years when this was taken and we met on the first day of college.

In what country was this song #1?

“Listen” by Beyonce as covered by Jahmene Douglas. TOO MANY RUNS AGAIN.

Most Excited


Christopher Maloney, when Gary told him to continue singing the cheesy 80s song the other judges hate. No one wants cheesy 80s ballads except grandmas, but I’ll bet they’re voting for Jahmene & his oversinging.

Nicole is fucking awesome


Jahmene used to work in a grocery store so Nicole put on the outfit and scanned stuff.


Look at how excited she was with the PDT (I wonder if they call it this in the UK)!

Best Performance

Too bad Ella sang a Katy Perry song. That automatically disqualifies her from being my favorite. Once again, James Arthur.

All screencaps by me.