Smart ladies love dumb TV, X Factor UK recap, judges’ houses

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Besides Cheryl’s throw-you-for-a-loop picks I could have predicted 8 of the 9 chosen finalists without even watching this weekend’s episodes at judge’s houses (Blonde Electra, really??!!!). And, due to usual producer editing (joint audition footage = all included acts are goners), I was able to verify my predictions early on.

So see ya, Concept (I hope named after this song?), my favorite contestant this year, the shoe girl who can’t dress herself, unnamed manufactured girl group, three dudes I never got to know who all wore awful pants, terrible group with two brothers, the sister of the dude in Twilight, weirdly intense redhead lady, girl who wanted it so much that it became painfully obvious, and this guy:

Please hire him

X Factor UK 21

X Factor UK 16

X Factor UK 22

Even though he could never be a singer, I got choked up when Stevi Ritchie was sent home. He should be on TV. That moment when he dropped all the luggage in the airport was so classic.

Best abs

Tulisa!

Tulisa!

These dudes!

These dudes!

Fleur!

Fleur!

This is such an ab-y season so far. I need to work out even harder. If by “work out even harder” you mean “reach for more glasses of Vinho Verde.”

Worst abs

X Factor UK 2

Sorry, Concept, you didn’t make the show AND you’re pasty British dudes!

Worst appropriation of culture

UGH!

UGH!

Sinitta always proves herself to be a good partner but even Simon thought she looked ridiculous. Blonde Electra’s very uncomfortable appropriation of hip hop culture is runner up.

Hilarious attempt to make Andreas likeable

X Factor UK 12

He also said he is the male version of Bridget Jones. Awww, fifteen year old cultural touchstones.

Worst finalist (tied)

X Factor UK 1

People are calling Blonde Electra Jedward II, but they are decidedly less cerebral and much less entertaining.

Nice lipstick. And dress.

Nice lipstick. And dress.

At least Chloe Jasmine is really pretty.

Least likely boyband member

X Factor UK 8

I don’t know if James Graham is really into being in a boyband but he’s the unnamed band’s best singer so he can’t leave.

Best flashback

X Factor UK 23

Jay James in the Royal Navy!

Worst outfits

X Factor UK 29

I just can’t decide between Kerianne’s homemade labia top and

X Factor UK 31

Stephanie’s homemade Prada-from-four-years-ago outfit. I think their moms used the same pattern for the top.

Most attentive judge, music-wise

X Factor UK 11

I was so impressed when Mel B. got up and helped that guy whose name I no longer remember.

Most attentive judge, emotion-wise

X Factor UK 26

Also, most beautiful. She could have had some competition this year

X Factor UK 4

But The Female Boss has too many fillers in her face. You’re like 24, girl, STOP IT.

Most glamorous meeting

X Factor UK 19

Mel B and Emma Bunton both looked absolutely freaking gorgeous.

Borderline inappropriate decision

Jay James is like, ironically, happy to see 1D.

Jay James is like, ironically, happy to see 1D.

Sending the over 25s to see One Direction.

Favorite performances, finalists

I knew Fleur East would be one of my favorites, but I didn’t know it would happen so quickly!

I was glad to see both Cheryl and Tinie Tempah agree with me that Stephanie Nala has a unique voice that is perfectly suited to recording.

I’m throwing unnamed boyband in here so you can see James Graham sing. I also like that football coach with the higher voice. I would find him very cute if I was not old enough to be his mother.

Favorite performance, non-finalist

It’s only appropriate that Emily Middlemas is last in this post. We will absolutely be seeing my little Scottish friend next year.

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