Smart ladies love dumb TV, X Factor US live show one

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Sixteen acts performed Wednesday night in the two longest hours of my life. Thursday, each judge picked two acts to do a sing off, and one was sent home. These losers were Willie Jones, David Correy (did a painful, slowed-down “Since U Been Gone” in the sing off), Diamond White (she didn’t cry!) and Sister C (after Simon tried to say the act he was going to save and Mario Lopez yelled at him). Next week will be faster! Those four were dead weight.

Most Useless Critiques

Britney in her diamond bib.

“I felt you. A lot. That was amazing.”
“I thought it was very interesting. I wasn’t expecting that.”
“I feel your effort but I have to say I was a little bored.”
“You have what it takes and you were amazing.”
“I think your vocals were amazing and you did a great, great job.”
all from Britney Spears

Best Critique

For all the ladies.

Simon telling Emblem3 in their intro video that they resemble excited dogs when they perform. Katie said they reminded her of Ryan Lochte. Three sex idiots.

Worst Song Choice

Talking to her mentor.

“Hey Soul Sister” by Diamond White. Her performance was kind of adorable but this song makes me want to stick pointy things in my ears.

Most Useless Host

RIP, US career of Steve Jones.

Mario Lopez, who tries so hard to be Ryan Seacrest, but just comes off like a corny game show host, should be fired, leaving Khloe Kardashian (the best Kardashian) to host this crap on her own. [SO TRUE!!! -K] It should also be noted that I really miss Steve Jones and his awkward British-ness.

He is not Rylan

His twitter name is @jasonbroccoli. Love!!

My boyfriend Jason Brock should not sing songs rejected from gay clubs in 1995. He should sing more soulful music. [I vote that he keep the pompadour! -K]

OMG WHY DID YOU LET THEM CRIMP YOUR HAIR?

She looks homeless.

I almost fells asleep during Beatrice Miller’s performance but I wanted to see what her hair would do.

Best Dressed

Love Lyric Da Queen’s clear jacket.

Absolutely Lyric145. Second place: all of Demi’s acts.

Most Star Search-esque

THE WORST.

Carly Rose Sonenclar, who acts like a 45 year old, even dancing in her school uniform. [She will cry so hard when she is voted off…it will make me sad but I hate her. -K]

We Miss the Most

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Bring back Playback.

Playback. Simon, you picked Sister C over the fun boyband? [They were the bestest 🙁 -K]

Worst Verses

So intense.

I didn’t know Vino Alan’s song but the verses was too low and had no melody. Boo. He was also too into it to sing on key.

Best Hat

Genius.

Paige Thomas. This was also the most X Factor UK performance. It was weird, her vocals were only C+, but her charisma was A+. Paige FTW.

Worst Hat

Diamond, again.

I can’t even.

Best Judging

I love everything about this.

Demi Lovato. Good bangs and lipstick, first of all. You know I love some red lips. But she was honest, not fake, and helped make her #demiyoungadults the team to watch.

Best Dimples

Did you see Tate’s house? HUGE.

Aww, Tate Stevens, I think you’re boring, but your dimples sure are cute.

Worst Contestant Intro

“One of my favorites” is not ok, Britney & Demi. They’re all your favorites. They’re on YOUR TEAM.

Worst Moves

You weren’t awful! YAY!

The stripper-in-need-of-a-pole dancing from Jennel Garcia. Otherwise, she shocked me the most because I expected the worst from her and she was kind of a rockstar.

WTF, PATTI SMITH??

Her makeover was an improvement, but she couldn’t have gotten worse.

CeCe Frey’s song choice of “Because the Night” was bizarre. [Her make-up made me happy! -K]

Worst Name Change

The girl in the middle was SO OFF.

Lylas to 1432. Three of the groups have numbers in their name. Be creative and hire some personal assistants that can Google. Apparently we can help them come up with a new name, a la District 3. How about “3 Girls that can sing and 2 that drag the rest down”? Is that too long?

Best Performance

No one! If I had to pick, I’d choose Paige, but I’m not embedding anything until there is a top 12.  I didn’t cover everyone, either! Sixteen is too many.

All screencaps by me.

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