Smart ladies love dumb TV, X Factor US live show two

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Good GOD I feel like I spend most of my free time watching different versions of this show (this is not untrue). This week’s theme was the ever-terrible “movie songs,” where the judges pick songs they want the act to sing and then try to find a movie where the song played over the end credits. Katy Perry is not a real movie, Simon. You are the fucking producer, get them to pick different themes.

Last night, I tried to watch the results show but both Fox channels on my fancy Fios cable were black (Glee played just fine afterwards, grrr). Katie texted me the whole time and told me what was going on. I was so sad to hear Jason was eliminated, but I’m glad I didn’t watch it because I would have cried. Instead I was watching my two favorite contestants on The Voice (Amanda and Nicholas; I refuse to learn the others’ names) get voted through.

I was shocked to hear that Mario Lopez read out the vote rankings of each contestant. This was never done on X Factor UK–all results are posted after the season is finished, however. I think it was a producer ploy to a) get Internet buzz and b) mobilize Emblem 3’s fanbase to beat Carly Rose. I was most shocked that Vino was third–it must be because he entertains troops, as his performance was a steaming heap of cheese.

NO MORE NUMBERS


Fifth Harmony? This is what you picked? You couldn’t come up with anything else? They did sound better, so maybe the terrible name inspired them.

Furthermore, learn from Little Mix and get your asses off those stools and dance and wear fun costumes.

So long, my darling


Now that he’s free, producers, why don’t you fire Khloe and Mario and hire Jason Brock as host? He’s like a gay Jack Black.

Most unwelcome return

Diamond White to the top 13. LIKE WE DIDN’T SEE THAT COMING. She didn’t even cry last week! She did a Whitney Houston song because she acts like a 40 year old. [I don’t remember her earrings being that big they scare me. -K]

Worst intro

Arin Ray saying two streets over “somebody gets shot, like… often” before doing a very Marcus Canty-esque (I will never for get you, guy I voted for last season for a month until I got tired of it) performance of “American Boy.” But you live near party supplies! That should make you happy!

Fire your makeup artist

Demi, last week I thought it was a fluke and I gave you a pass. NOT TODAY. [I kept trying to point those out to you about a month ago but you were too mesmerized by her hair or maybe be that Jonas kid, was it Joe, is that the gay one? -K]

Stop calling people “amazing,” you weird robot

Britney Spears is probably on 15 kinds of mood stabilizers.

Best Dressed


Paige Thomas looked like some kind of a leather Rodarte angel.

Worst dressed

Beatrice Miller. You are really winning in the hair and fashion department, girl. Why did they dress her like a homeless Steven Tyler (this is the second week in a row I’ve used the word “homeless” to describe her look. NOT GOOD)? The old lady blouse, weird collared-jacket, bad Claire’s jewelry and fug leggings did not distract me from the hair, either.

Best hair

Jennel Garcia’s dark shag with short bangs. It has such great movement, even if it looks a little wonky in this post-performance photo. K & I also loved that she was wearing flats.

Biggest sucker

Katie, for telling me over IMs repeatedly how she fell for these sob stories and felt those people should win. PRODUCER MANIPULATION!!!!!!! [You should care deeply for Beatrice and her lesbian moms, she has tiny twin sisters.  I think I might feel so bad about her cause they dress her like Dodger in Oliver!, at any moment we will find out Britney is making Diamond and Carly pick pocket the crowd. -K]

Worst accessory

Vino Alan’s chain wallet with his too-shiny suit. Why do people still wear these? Is it 1995? Also, don’t let the swaybots distract you when Simon is talking to you, even though you really need attention.


Second worst are the unnecessary headphones the guy from Emblem 3 wears around his neck.

Why is everyone else here?

Emblem 3 is so obviously going to win. I just don’t know why they shifted from Sublime-lite to One Direction. But since people seem to find this blog just based on my Emblem 3 pictures, I thought I’d give the people what they want.

Cutest judge moment

In a blink-and-you’ll-miss-it cutaway, Demi gives Jennel two thumbs up after her performance.

In a category of their own

Cece Frey’s pants. She did “Eye of the Tiger.” Nothing was changed either, it was so 80s. Plus that shit returned to her face. If the college campus where I work is any indication, we are going to see a lot of this baggy pants-tucked-into-boots thing.

Katie’s award for biggest sob story

Beatrice Miller, who has two moms and a sister [tiny twin sisters-K] who are all out of work. I’m sure Beatrice has been supporting them for years, with her voice over and singing gigs.

WTF, LA?

He said he “hated” Lyric145’s Alice in Wonderland-influenced performance of “Supercalifragilisticexpialadocious.” I don’t get that, the whole thing was amazing.

Should we trust someone who wears these glasses?

Stop making us like you!

Tate Stevens, I still don’t care for your singing, although America does because you came in #1 in the votes, but you and your family are adorable.

Best mom


Paige, who let her daughter wear her hat from last week’s results show. I would have cried if I liked children. I do like hats, though.

THE WORST

The worst performance was probably Cece, but Carly Rose Sonenclar is my least favorite. Why did she sing a Bruno Mars song on this raised circle covered in spray painted garden hoses? She is only second place in the votes because America is obsessed with talented, oversinging youth.

Best Performance

Hands down Lyric145. It is mesmerizing. If I actually cared enough to vote, this is who I would have spent hours trying to figure out online voting for. This is what I want in reality singing competition shows.