Smart ladies love stuff, Wahlburgers recap, A Cut Above

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This is from an older episode but I can't believe A&E put this on their tumblr with the word "fucking" in it.

This is from an older episode but I can’t believe A&E put this on their tumblr with the word “fucking” in it.

“A Cut Above” is an episode with wayyyy too many plotlines. There are three this week!

My DVR reads: “Alma becomes worried when Paul takes up woodworking as a stress-relieving hobby.” As a lover of HGTV, This Old House AND The Woodwright’s Shop,  I support his hobby. I love when people have hobbies. Once I worked in an office where no one had hobbies except reality TV and being obsessed about their weight. It was a sad time in my life.

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Apparently, when the kids were younger, there were a lot of accidents. According the opener, Paul

  • was hit by a car three times
  • stepped on nails
  • almost lost an eye

He says that once you are labeled accident-prone, it sticks with you.

At Wahlburgers, Donnie is taking selfies with fans while Paul is working. Paul says he has more on his plate than usual. Donnie notices how busy Paul is and Alma calls her favorite son “a doer” and says she “gets exhausted just watching him.” Paul won’t slow down, despite his brother’s urgings. He enjoys keeping busy.

Donnie starts answering the phone and taking orders. He stinks.

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He yells the order out, to no one and Paul gets cranky. Donnie suggests that Paul should take up a hobby. Paul interviews that he’s always liked woodworking. Alma does not want Paul to pick up a saw because she pictures blood everywhere.

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Donnie urges Paul to leave work, so he goes to do some woodworking. It seems way too casual. It’s a complicated hobby! It’s not like reading, where I can just pick up something from my TBR pile.

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In an undisclosed location, Drama is lifting weights and Mark comes from behind him, rubbing it in his face that he didn’t get the part of playing himself on Entourage. That show has been over for years. Get over it.

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Drama has been on a bunch of auditions. Mark says he will let Drama and his band play at the Transformers premiere in Boston! Drama says from a series of fucked up stuff that has happened to him, he is worried it isn’t real. Mark interviews that Drama is really passionate about music and he believes that he supports him. “53, still a fucking rapper.”

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New brother alert! Arthur! He is the oldest brother and he’ll stand up at any event, according to Donnie, and proclaim he’s your older brother.  Not surprisingly, Brother #1 does carpentry and Paul called him for help buying supplies so he could make things for the restaurant.

Such a weird angle.

Such a weird angle.

Alma tells Arthur it is his job to make sure Paul doesn’t use any power tools. She blames herself for his clumsiness.

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Alma is so animated!

She talks about working in a cafeteria, hitting a knife on the counter, which ended up sticking out of her big toe. She has scars and stitches. She does not want Paul to hurt himself.

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Johnny’s band is rehearsing in his garage, where he recorded that Wahlburgers video. He is worried his band won’t pull it off. He’s a band leader? Who gave him this responsibility? He’s fighting with people, because he’s under pressure to impress Mark.

This has to be staged. Who would watch some fucking seagulls?

This has to be staged. Who would watch some fucking seagulls?

Donnie walks up to Wahlburgers and sees a large group of people staring at the restaurant. He asks them what they are doing and they tell him they are watching the seagulls eat all the burgers.

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Donnie says “you can’t have a seagull hanging around, looking like a bully, waiting to mug someone.”

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Donnie and some other employees climb a ladder to go to the roof to rid the restaurant of the seagull. They note that the bird is gone and has left a shit ton of food in its place.

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“The food is so good, he’s gotta come back.”- Donnie BARF.

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Paul and Arthur go to Woodcraft (another sponsor, right? Did the sponsor help shape the plot of this episode? That is so gross) to find the tools to make charcuterie boards for the restaurant, to use for prosciutto, mortadella, salami, & capicola. Instead of buying them, he can make them, which he thinks is a big deal.

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He’s racing for the biggest power tools, which Arthur frowns on.

“What about this?”- Paul

“You don’t need it.”- Brother #1

“I don’t know if you’re the right person to be doing this.” -Paul

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In Paul’s garage, he is moving a large piece of equipment, which Alma blames Arthur for. Paul insists this is part of the hobby everyone wants him to have.

“Can’t you paint or something?”- Alma

“The house is painted.”- Paul, thinking all hobbies should be for a purpose

“Paint pictures!”- Alma

Paul says that all the tools are safe and he is no longer a child. Arthur assures her nothing will happen to him. But Alma doesn’t trust him:

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Arthur is so bad at looking fake scared. I almost miss brother Bob’s acting skills.

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Johnny and his brother are eating at Wahlburgers. Iggy says that rehearsal was bullshit. Johnny says he will pull the band up by the bootstraps. This story is boring. WHERE IS KARI?

Paul is making the boards. He wants them to be unique to the restaurant, it’s more special if he makes it. Paul has to stop cutting board because Arthur gets a call from Alma. Arthur is really bad at pretending this is real.

Alma just wants to apologize but Paul thinks its a ploy to keep him from getting started. Look, he’s wearing safety goggles and everything!

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Donnie is still fighting the seagull. He says the seagull isn’t like other seagulls, it’s like STEVEN SEA-GALL. What a hilarious pun. Oh Donnie, you and Phil Dunphy are exactly the same. {{major eyeroll}}

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He is not much of a hunter and he doesn’t have a Duck Dynasty kazoo (is that what they make? I only see a few minutes of it before this show and it’s about food and a lesson learned), so he’s hiding behind a wall and waits, staking out the bid. The bird was waiting him out. He wouldn’t go to the trash bin until Donnie revealed himself or leaves.

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Donnie says the bird is craving some beef patties that Johnny Drama raps about. Donnie used his “Band of Brothers low crawl skills” and climbed on the dirty street on his stomach “like a WWII veteran.” Then he used his “Blue Bloods cop skills to slowly lure in the suspect.” The bird flew away with some Wahlburgers trash in his mouth. Donnie felt victorious but said the seagull was like Arnold “I’ll be back.” “Damn you bird!”

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At the Transformers premiere, Paul is making food, and there’s all kinds of other food trucks. Drama wants to pull this off for Mark. He’s nervous, but Alma promises to go up and dance with him.

OH GOD the first song they do is the Wahlburgers rap. I can’t believe this is serious.

Mark tells Arthur to go dance with Alma and he is pleased to see he does it. Mark interviews that he had never seen Drama so excited.

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Paul serves some food for Alma on the charcuterie board he made. It’s really beautiful! Good job Paul! “Just because Paul came up clean with the chicanery boards…” Donnie you have traveled THE WORLD. Just pretend to be a little smarter. Please.

Alma then requests a coffee table from Paul. He says he would think about it.

Mark says some shit with a French accent to show how much better he is than Donnie.

Mark says some shit with a French accent to show how much better he is than Donnie.

Next on Wahlburgers: Paul’s daughter goes to see MKTO (I have literally NEVER HEARD OF THEM BEFORE; is this product placement?) instead of NKTOB.

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